Sexy Devil: “Speak of the Devil…”

“Speak of the Devil”
(c) 2009 Willa Okati

Little Halloween interlude here for you all with the cast and characters of “Tomcat Jones” and the upcoming “Buddy Holiday” from Loose Id. When the theme is “Sexy Devil”, you know it’s got to be about…Sur Lune, psychokitty extraordinaire.

Sort of.

Enjoy!

* * * * *

TJ had had plans for tonight, none of which involved observing Halloween in any way. More along the lines of some hard cider, a fireplace app on his iPhone, MacGowan, and increasing degrees of nakedness. No parties. No shenanigans. No anything but a fledgling wizard and his gray tabby tomcat familiar, AKA TJ. What more could a cat want?

In a perfect world, it would have happened.

In this world, TJ had forgotten to count on the fact that when he and MacGowan wanted some private time most, they were never alone.

Arden, loyal friend and permanent pain in the ass, lounged across his main man’s Shavey’s lap with no apparent plans to go anywhere. Mr. Jontan, the most powerful among them, had taken up position in his alcove with the library he carried around on his back spread out in a way that suggested firm intent to stay put. Shavey himself? Unbudging. Eyeing MacGowan and TJ with deep misgiving.

At least TJ did have MacGowan to keep the peace, even if he couldn’t handle the piece itself yet. He laid his head on MacGowan’s shoulder and sigh-purred. “One of these days, I swear I’m going to figure some way to keep them all out.”

“What about the magical equivalent of a tie on the doorknob?” MacGowan suggested. He stroked TJ’s hair and nuzzled closer. TJ was man enough to be in touch with his cuddleslut side, and lapcat enough not to be concerned with denying it.

“If that worked, we wouldn’t have a problem with Sur Lune. Ohshit.” TJ bit his tongue.

Shavey rumbled. “Who are you talking about?”

“Nobody,” TJ said hastily, even as Arden hissed, “Ix-nay on the uestions-kay!”

Shavey wrinkled his nose and counted heads. Unfortunately, he made the correct subtractions too, and more unfortunate still, he spoke up about it. “You’re talking about Sur Lune? Bah.”

MacGowan sighed and sat back. He continued to pet TJ, though. TJ purred. Good wizard.

That, however, was about the only good thing going now. Conversation turning to Sur Lune was never what one might call such. Or a wise thing. Or a safe thing. Or any number of “things” which eventually ended in weeping, wailing, and getting a ride in an ambulance.

TJ tried to shush Shavey. Arden tried to shush Shavey. Even MacGowan tried to shush Shavey.

They’d have had better luck throwing tow ropes around an iceberg and dragging it to a stop.

Shavey didn’t seem to have noticed the frantic attempts to get him to zip it. “I’ve been meaning to ask. What’s his story?”

Ah, the age-old question. It was, TJ thought, the conversational equivalent of wandering into a grenade factory and juggling a handful, asking “what do these do?”

“Not another word, or no sex for you tonight,” Arden warned.

“I can’t ask a simple question about him?”

“You can,” TJ stressed. “It’s just much better for everyone if you don’t.”

“I don’t get you.”

Of course he didn’t. “I give up.” TJ mimed passing a torch to MacGowan, who chuckled and brushed his lips over the top of TJ’s head. “Your turn.”

“Would somebody explain to me what the hell is wrong with asking a question about Sur Lune?”

Mr. Jontan cleared his throat. Gently. Had all the stopping power of a fire hose over an ignited matchbook. Confident of everyone’s full attention — yes, even Shavey’s — he blew a gentle cloud of dust from an illustration inside tonight’s chosen book. “I believe they mean that if you speak of the devil…”

Sur Lune appeared — nay, materialized — by Mr. Jontan’s ankles. Two glowing yellow-green eyes followed by a mouthful of sharp fangs. Somewhat like the Cheshire Cat in reverse, only with much less playful mischief and much more psychotic killing machine potential. Psychokitty extraordinare, a felis domesticus shapeshifter like TJ, only permanently stuck in cat shape and not in a particularly good mood about it ever since. Not really what you’d call sane, either.

“If you speak of the devil, then he will appear. And what do you know? There he is, right on cue,” TJ said. “Oh God. Nobody move.”

Sur Lune yawned. Lengthily. Toothily. He extended one paw and licked between the claws. Frankly, TJ expected the worst. A rampage around the room, a few hard bites to soft places, a choice insult or two, and then back for round two.

Not so. This time, Sur Lune outdid himself. He crinkled his whiskers and began to walk — slowly — around the rough circle TJ and his assorted human-shaped pals had formed.

TJ, MacGowan and Arden watched. Even Shavey watched. TJ wouldn’t call it horrified fascination. He’d have liked a stronger term.

Sur Lune stopped by Arden’s ankles. He sniffed at Arden’s boot laces, silently — and moved on. To MacGowan, who he headbutted in the calf — and kept on going.

“My God. It’s Russian roulette,” TJ said, willing now to use the word “horror”. Oh, the felinity.

Had Shavey learned his lesson? Hell, no. He scoffed out loud as Sur Lune paused in front of TJ to lick his shoulder. “Would you give me a break? Grown men should not be scared shitless of a ten-pound tomcat.”

Arden scoffed right back. He did it better. “You’re saying you aren’t?”

Shavey ever-so-casually slid a little closer to Arden. “Nope.”

Sur Lune came to a full stop in front of Shavey and flattened his ears against his head. “Hisssss.”

“So very not afraid you nearly pissed yourself, there. My hero.”

“Bite me.”

Sur Lune opened his mouth to display sharp fangs.

“Not you. Not you — He’s climbing me. Why is he climbing me?”

TJ’s jaw dropped. He watched. It was something he’d never thought he’d see. Sur Lune moved with grace. Nay, with dignity and calm aplomb. A leap to Shavey’s lap, a measured tread up Shavey’s chest as Shavey leaned back in a futile attempt to escape, and a settling nearly eye-to-eye.

They stared at each other.

Sur Lune extended one paw and tapped Shavey on the nose, as lightly as a butterfly making a landing. He crinkled his whiskers in a catly grin. Beep.

“Holy –” Arden squeaked.

Trick or treat, Sur Lune said. He purred. Sounded like a rusty chainsaw on scrap iron. I don’t like questions. Now go away.

“If you’ll excuse us,” Mr. Jontan murmured. “Sur Lune, you have made your point. No more discussing him behind his back, if you please. His secrets are his own to keep, and it’s not wise to pull a cat’s tail on any occasion. Sur Lune? Come.”

No one made such requests and lived except for Mr. Jontan. TJ didn’t understand that relationship and really, really hoped he never would. But at the call of his wizard, Sur Lune the Strangest Familiar Ever vanished, as did the pile of books and Mr. Jontan himself.

“Was that the trick, or the treat?” Arden asked in the utter silence that followed.

TJ made a snap decision. “Not that I make a habit of agreeing with Sur Lune, but consider this your one-minute warning. Go away.”

MacGowan kissed TJ’s ear. “If they don’t, I have a few more ideas on how to hurry them up,” he whispered.

Wait. Couldn’t be. Could it? MacGowan didn’t have that kind of puckishness in him. Right? TJ eyed his main squeeze with a touch more respect. “You called Sur Lune to us to break up the gathering, didn’t you?”

MacGowan winked. Winked. “Trick or treat.”

“Okay!” One-minute warning shortened to fifteen-second warning. “Arden. Shavey. I’m putting in the iPhone fireplace app now. Sideways. As I would like to be. Naked. Unless you want to get an eyeful, I suggest you leave now.”

“That’s friendly.” Arden scowled. “Also clumsy. If you ask me, your seduction technique needs work.”

“And what would you suggest? No. I’ll go you one better. When you’re in the mood, how do you let Shavey know you want a piece?”

“Arden, don’t answer that,” Shavey warned.

Arden ignored him. Tit for tat. “Usually? I push him down — not hard, the lazy bastard’s most often prone anyway –”

“Hey!”

“Then I jump on board and yell ‘ride ‘em, cowboy’. Does the job.”

“And they say romance is dead.”

“Arden squished it like a termite underfoot.” TJ was making himself sad.

“I’ve got you.” MacGowan gave Shavey a sideways nod.

Shavey heaved himself out of the chair he’d appropriated, which now bore a permanent butt print — poor chair — and hooked Arden by the collar of his T-shirt. “Saddle up.”

“I’m there,” Arden said instantly. “Toodles, cats and kittens. Oh, and wizardly types too.”

“You know, he’s taken to bottoming awfully eagerly.” TJ considered that, his mood already on the rise as Shavey hauled Arden off stage left. “Kind of explains a lot.”

“So, where were we?”

“Nowhere. Yet.”

MacGowan chuckled, and bent to kiss the tip of TJ’s nose. Same spot where Sur Lune had almost shredded Shavey’s schnozz.

Never, ever piss off a wizard.

“Nowhere is a problem. It means we’re late,” MacGowan said. “For a very important date. Start up the iPhone fire. I have plans. No tricks here. Just treats. Are you up for it?”

TJ slid as bonelessly as only a cat could, down to the floor, and rolled over to expose his belly and inarguable answers southward to MacGowan’s question.

“My tomcat,” MacGowan murmured, following TJ.

TJ purred.

(If you enjoyed this, you can check out the original title “Tomcat Jones” here at Loose Id.

Happy Halloween!)

Written by Willa Okati

Possesses an abundance of crazy ideas, writes constantly, and drinks an insane amount of coffee. Grooves to the beat of a different marching band and loves coming up with fun, quirky heroes and tales with unusual twists. You can find Willa at http://www.willaokati.com or on twitter as "willaokati". She'd love to see you there!
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