Today, there was a link posted on a Yahoo loop to a NY Times article about the modern quest for a “good death”. You can read the article here. It touches on some things that I feel very passionately about, such as bringing death out into the open. Talking about it, instead of pretending it’s not going to happen. None of us wants to have that conversation, whether it’s about ourselves or our loved ones, but we should. We NEED to. Everyone dies, it shouldn’t be something we hide, or hide from.
My mother died of brain cancer. She required complete, 24-hour care for the last seven years of her life, and her last months were spent in a coma. She and the rest of my family still lived on the Gulf Coast, and I was where I am now, in the NC mountains with my husband and kids. When she went into the hospital for what turned out to be the final time, no one called me. Not my dad, not my sister, no one. I don’t think they were trying to exclude me. I think they, like so many of us, didn’t want to acknowledge that this time, she wasn’t coming back home. They knew, inside. They even said so later. But at the time, they didn’t want to admit it. So I didn’t see my mother that one last time before she died. I never got to say goodbye. That still hurts, and it still make me angry. Not so much at my family (though yes, I am still a little angry at them too), but at a society that constantly tries to turn death into a surprise when it doesn’t need to be.
What are your thoughts? Do you agree? Disagree? Have a completely different take on it? As always, I want to know what you think. Like I said, it’s a discussion I think everyone needs to have. Might as well start here!
Written by Ally Blue
Ally is a rich and famous author of hot gay manlove. She travels the world in her private jet, being waited on hand and foot by her team of pretty young men who bring her umbrella drinks and make out for her pleasure . . . Okay, so that's her dream life. Her novels of Manlove & Angst are mostly written in her living room, in between working at the Evil Day Job and doing Mom Stuff. Oh, the glamorous life of an author!
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Chrissie wrote,
I agree that it is a discussion that everyone needs to have. My grandmother has been sick for a long time. she keeps having one stroke after another. she has always bounced back so far but we all know that at 85 years lod, one of these times she won’t. My family and I talk about the fact that she is going to die. It might sound morbid but it has helped us to deal with her illness. Acceptance of the inevitable has helped as all my grandmother included live more in the momment, instead of worrying about the future.The first time she was in the hospital and we thought she was going to pass away we weren’t ready. Now I am grateful for every minute I get to spend with her. I tell her I love her everyday. When she does finally die I will know Ispent all the time I could with her and that she knows how much I love her.
Link | August 14th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Ally Blue wrote,
It’s not morbid at all, it’s natural. For what it’s worth, I think you and your family are handling your grandmother’s illness and her upcoming death exactly the right way. It’s so much better for everyone if it’s in the open. I’m sorry about her strokes; they can take so much away from a person. But she has a family that loves her and says so, and that’s a wonderful gift!
**hugs hard**
Link | August 15th, 2007 at 3:51 am
Ines wrote,
I have also old grandparents. As happy as I am for having been able to get to know them all, I know that the time when they will die is aproaching. The fact that I am not home with them makes me sad, as I remember lots of happy moments spent together. But I know that they are happy for me and proud that I am studying.
On the other hand, even though that I went to a school owned by the church, or because of it, I am zero religious, so my aproach to death is more practical than spiritual. I know that we will all die, what is more, I know that anything can happen. My father had cancer when I was a baby, so I could have grown without him. What is more, my mother and I have sometimes spoken about ways of dealing with things if my dad had a stoke (he is not getting younger and the job is stressing) or when my grandparents pass away.
Even though I am pretty young, the idea of writing a will and leaving a statement of how I would like my body to be disposed pops up in my head now and then. Another thing that I would like to do is get info on how to donate all my organs, because even though Spain is the country with the highest rate of donnors, I think that nobody should be waiting for an organ once you do not need it.
So I think that basically I tend to be practical, to try to be conscient that anything can happen, from an accident to an illnes to a long life, and I would rather not be caught unprepared, even though you can never be totally prepared.
Link | August 15th, 2007 at 6:16 am
TA Chase wrote,
Ally,
I think you’re right. Death is something we shouldn’t hide from because it comes for all of us. We need to talk about it. I mean how is your significant other or spouse supposed to know how to bury you if you don’t talk about it.
Once we talk about death, it loses its power of frightening us, imo. We can, in a way, embrace our life because we aren’t worried about death.
Link | August 15th, 2007 at 6:28 am
Sarah wrote,
Ally,
I agree with you about talking about death. My children used to be worried about what happened to them if we were to die. So my husband and i sat down and explain what we had done to protect them and who would take care of them. I also have grandparents that are not going to be long in this world. I have also explained that to them also. I think all relationship would be stronger if we delt with all difficult subjects head on instead of hiding them.
Sarah
Link | August 15th, 2007 at 7:52 am
Sophie wrote,
Ally,
I believe you are right: we need to talk about death since it is part of life. I don’t believe we need to be all consumed about it but rather, ensure we share with our loved ones life and love. My whole family is in Quebec city while I am on my own in Saint-John, NB (Canada). Although we are very far from each other, as you were when you lost your mother, it is so very important to me to remain close to them spiritually. I always make sure I say my goodbyes at every conversations and reunions. You know death will happen but you never know when!
One custom I am having a lot of problm dealing with is the funeral process. Why do we have to have a wake? Going to the funeral homes to me is pure torture and I tend not to go. I feel useless and powerless witnessing the sadness and the pain family members of the deceased go through. I feel the custom is masochistic. My mother has tried to explain to me how it is part of the grieving process but I find it so dificult. I am still having a prblem accepting the custom. I prefer to go to the religious or social service. That is where I feel more able to help the family in the deceased: through prayers and/or remembrance of the life of the deceased.
I told my mom that all I want is the church ceremony - WITHOUT THE FUNERAL HOME WAKE - and everyone to have a party because I am in a better place where I can watch over them. I agree with Ines regarding the organ donation: take whatever organs could be useful to someone else (I won’t need them anymore) then burn me up. Throw the ashes in the St-Lawrence river while having a cruise and have a party! She is very sad about the lack of wake (so I agreed to one hour before the religious service LOL) but agrees with the party!
Can someone help me understand our custom of the wake (funeral home)
Wow, this is very therapeutic! Thank you Ally!
Link | August 15th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Ally Blue wrote,
Ines: you’re right, people often don’t think about instructions for organ donation and such. I would think having that all spelled out ahead of time would make it so much easier on your loved ones.
TA: I totally agree with you, talking about something takes away a lot of its power to frighten us. Kind of like Voldemort *g*
Sarah: That’s wonderful that you and your husband have talked with your children about this, and your plans for making sure they are looked after if something happens to you. That’s another sad side effect of keeping the fact of death hidden, is that other people can end up suffering because of it.
Sophie: I’m not sure where the tradition of the wake started, but if it makes the grieving process more difficult for you, then you shouldn’t feel like you have to attend, or have one for yourself. Everyone grieves in their own way. For some, celebrating the person’s life makes their death easier to deal with. There’s nothing wrong with that :)
Link | August 15th, 2007 at 6:27 pm